For 2014 I wanted to take her back there, one final trip. She was getting weaker and I knew she would require a lot of care so I decided to just make it a mother/daughter trip. As much as I wanted to bring Amelia and Lydia, it would've just been too much. I knew I couldn't care for a 2 year old, a 3 month old, and my mother. I wanted to enjoy the time with her and be able to relax. I had planned to come up to her apartment Friday evening after work, spend the night, and then we would head up to St. Joe the next morning.
I called her Friday afternoon at lunch. She seemed upset. She wanted to know where I was. I said I was working and she was upset by this. "Oh I didn't know you were working today," she said annoyed. I told her that yes the plan was for me to come after work. She paused. "Danielle, what day is today?" she asked. I told her it was Friday. She thought it was Saturday, she thought I was already supposed to be there. We hung up and I was very glad at that point I had decided to go by myself. She was getting worse, I knew if she was any worse I wouldn't have been able to take her on the trip. She called back in an hour or so much clearer. I do not remember the exact order of events but I think her friend Sharon was there when I had originally called. Mom had told me Sharon had been knocking on the door, but mom never woke up so I think she used her key to get in. Mom was confused, she had been incontinent, she was embarrassed. But Sharon helped her get cleaned up and to collect her thoughts. She was in a much better mood when she called back, she remembered now that I was coming in the evening and we were going to St. Joe the next day. On mom's calendar she recorded "Sharon Saves The Day" for Friday.
I arrived there that evening and she was doing well. I went to Target to pick up some things we would need and then I went to Captain D's to pick up some food to bring back to the apartment for us. I saw her upstairs neighbor outside and he asked how mom was doing. He had become a very good friend to her in the past year. He said he had not seen her in awhile, she wasn't sitting out on her patio like she used to. He asked if he could come in to see her so he came in and they chatted for a half an hour or so. She told him all about St. Joe and that it was our family tradition and what a great place it was. She told him he should take his children there. He left in a little bit and then we ate dinner and went to bed.
I awoke the next morning and got myself ready. Long gone it seemed were the days my mom would be up much before me and have coffee made. Oh how I missed those days. They really weren't all that long ago, but it seemed a lifetime. The days of us leaving in the early morning for St. Joe were gone. Our goal was to leave by noon, she thought she could be ready by then. I wanted to get the car cleaned inside and out before our trip so I took it to Clancy's, the wait was long even though it was early. Afterwards I went to Mac's per her request and bought us breakfast food and also stopped at Speedway to get her a newspaper. The freshness of that morning I can still feel, still smell. It was a going to be a beautiful day.
I came back and we ate breakfast and then I helped her get her things together. She had developed a small pressure wound on her bottom so I helped her clean it up and and do the dressing change the doctor had ordered. Next I needed to decide what to do about her legs as they were so swollen. I remember her sitting in her chair in her bedroom as I kneeled on the floor looking at her legs. I remarked her knees seemed red and she just smiled wryly and said sometimes she needed to get down on her knees to get some things accomplished. I didn't ask her exactly what she meant by that but her words would come back to haunt me later. I decided we should wrap her legs with the compression wraps for the car trip since they would be in the dependent position for so long. We went back out to the living room and she sat back in her recliner while I wrapped them.
Finally, we were ready to go. I had packed her wheelchair in the trunk and our luggage and she walked out with her walker. I took a picture as we started our journey.
We were still trying to decide on what things we wanted to get done and in what order. Her brother Darrell had told us about a pizza place in South Bend that served pierogies that mom had wanted to try out. Her grandmother was Polish and mom was always in search of a place that had authentic pierogies. We also wanted to stop by her parents' grave site in South Bend. We couldn't decide if we wanted to do this on the way up or on the way back home on Monday. We had tentatively decided to do it on Monday.
We drove up on US 31 as we had done hundreds of times before. We had traveled this road many times to go to South Bend, her hometown. Especially after her father died in 1991 for the next 10 years my mom and I would travel to South Bend about every 3 weeks or so on the weekend to see her mom. How lucky was I have to have so many special memories with my mom and grandma. We stopped at the McClure station as we had done hundreds of times as well on so many trips for a bathroom break. We waited and waited for a woman to leave the handicapped stall. When she finally walked out my mom whispered loudly to me certainly so the woman could hear, "She's not even handicapped!" We left the gas station and continued on our journey. This was our first time traveling on the new US 31 and I showed mom how the map on my phone hadn't yet updated so she could see where we were traveling now versus where the old 31 was. She thought it was pretty neat even though she was a die hard paper map follower, none of this GPS or MapQuest business. At one point, I remember out of nowhere she started talking about my cat Fatty. I had no idea where that came from and what she was talking about. She said suddenly, "Was I just talking about your cat?" We laughed it off.
We kept traveling and both of our minds were far off because we missed the exit for the bypass around South Bend. We realized it quickly and I said I could turn around but she said no we could keep going, she knew where to go. We decided we would stop at the pizza place for the pierogies. It was not a fancy place and it was after lunch time so we were the only ones there. They had several different kinds and we each ordered a couple. I loved to hear my mom pronounce pierogie the true Polish way as she ordered. There was a football game on the TV, Notre Dame I think, and to my surprise my mom seemed rather interested in it. She just kind of stared at it and seemed kind of far away.
We left and continued on our way. The way to St. Joe would now take us past her childhood home. We turned left on Ewing Avenue and pretty soon we could see the house her father had built when she was 5, the house her mother lived in until I was in 7th grade and she moved to a retirement village. I decided we should stop on the side street. I wanted to see the stone my grandfather had put on the side of the yard, fashioning one to look like the state of Indiana. As kids my brothers and I were fascinated by this.
It had started misting out but I also wanted to get a picture of the house, not from directly on so the people inside wouldn't wonder about the weird lady taking pictures of their house outside.
I wish I had gotten out and taken a better picture, but I suppose I can go back. We then traveled down the road to Walker field. It was a park and had a baseball field that we had frequently gone to for July 4th family baseball games. There is a bathhouse in the park that had always fascinated me, it had been abandoned for as long as I can remember. My mom told me the pool had been closed even when she was a young child due to the polio epidemic. She did remember that they would sometimes have crafts for the children in the area in front of the pool.
Finally we traveled another couple blocks away to the first house she had ever lived in. The house had been torn down a few years prior, but I remember it being very small and with no indoor plumbing. All that was left of the house now was the walkway.
We continued on to St. Joe and arrived there about 5 PM. Normally on our trips we stayed outside of town because it was less expensive but for this trip I decided we should stay right in town. We would be able to get everywhere without getting in and out of the car. I booked a room at the Silver Beach Hotel. I remembered staying there when we were younger when the hotel went through several name changes. They ended up remodeling it a few years ago and renaming it the Silver Beach Hotel. While there were many things new about it, it still had an old feeling.
Her brothers and their significant others had already arrived in town and wanted to go out to dinner, but I knew that mom was tired and needed a nap. Just a few months prior a nap for mom would've been 30-60 minutes and then she would be ready to go, now I knew her nap would likely turn into a full night's sleep even though it was only early evening. I turned down dinner and told them to go on without us. Last year the first day of Labor Day weekend consisted of the drive, all day at the beach, and a pizza place for dinner. This year Saturday consisted of a drive and a nap.
I told her that while she napped I was going to go out and run some errands. I asked her if she wanted anything and she asked, "Do they make margaritas to go?" I laughed and told her taking alcohol out of restaurants was usually frowned up. My mom was not one to drink, but she liked an occasional margarita.
She fell asleep quickly and I took a couple pictures of her. That summer I wanted to take a lot of pictures of mom, but I knew she would question why. Did we think she was dying or something? So I took a lot of pictures when she was sleeping.
I told her she should sleep in the bed closest to the bathroom, but she said she felt claustrophobic and wanted to sleep closet to the window. Her first run to the bathroom she decided I was right and moved.
I ran out and went to Target and Ulta and then on the way back to the hotel stopped at a liquor store to buy margarita flavored wine coolers. I figured it was the closest I could find to a real margarita.
That evening she woke up a couple times to chat, but then went back to sleep quickly. I spent most of the evening playing around on my phone.
The night however was full of activity. She had to get up frequently to go to the bathroom. I awoke every time she sat up in bed. She jokingly said I must be a really light sleeper, but really I am not. I think I was just attuned to her needs as a mother is to their little baby. I would get her walker and help her to the bathroom. I think she had a urinary tract infection brewing and frequently her Depends and outfits needed changing. I would lie back down waiting until she was done sometimes drifting off to sleep and waking suddenly realizing she had not come back to bed. She would fall asleep on the toilet. All night it was up and down up and down, but it was nothing to me. She apologized several times. I joked that it was much easier getting up with her all night than up and down with Lydia at home. At least mom went back to sleep. I'll say it here and say it time and time again, it was an honor to care for my mother.
The next morning I told the rest of the family we could probably be ready by noon. I got breakfast myself at the hotel and brought mom back a little bit to eat. She wanted tea and I knew just how to make it for her. Three tea bags steeped in hot water for 5 minutes then poured over ice and into a purple cup she had bought Noey that summer but had accidentally been left behind.
When we were ready, I brought mom down to the hotel lobby and Darrell, Janet, Michael, and Tammy were waiting on us. Her cousin Kenny had come to see mom as well. He had not seen her in a year. I could tell in his eyes he was a little stunned to see the condition she was in. He told me later he had begun to dread calls from Michael or Darrell saying something was wrong in the Sexton family. He said it seemed like one after another these past few years.
We started on a walk through downtown St. Joe stopping in some of the little quaint shops. It is such a beautiful town. We made it to the bluff and as usual for this weekend there was an antique sale. The Boy Scouts were selling hamburgers and hotdogs so we stopped there for lunch. I took a picture of mom talking to her brother Darrell.
We then decided to head on down to the beach taking the ramp to do so. Uncle Michael tried figuring out the best way to take Mom down in her wheelchair considering the ramp was long and steep. He finally decided on going down backwards. She thought it was pretty fun. What was not fun was having to push her back up that ramp later in the afternoon, but I let the men handle that.
We proceeded on to the beach, stopping for pictures and to let mom get a good view. Living in South Bend as child she spent a lot of time going up to Lake Michigan in the summer.
We proceeded on down towards the pier. The pier she had walked over and over throughout her life she was now traveling down on a wheelchair. How quickly life changes.
We had really only been out 2 to 3 hours but I said it was time to go back to the hotel. I needed to pump and mom needed a nap. So we made the trek back. Pushing a wheelchair even with my light mother was harder than it looked.
We made it back to the hotel and she rested for a few hours. Again, how different from previous years when the day was filled with constant activity from sun up to sun down.
It was amazing to me that just a year ago. This:
And this:
Had turned into this:
When she awoke we got ready to go to dinner. We were going to Clementine's, our favorite restaurant in St. Joe. We traveled to the restaurant stopping along the way at a drug store to buy more Depends as she had gone through much more than she thought. We arrived at the restaurant and waited for everyone else.
Dinner was good, it was joyful. Mom was in great spirits and we had great conversation. She got her margarita.
I remember looking at that picture 3 weeks later the day after she had passed in disbelief that this was her only 3 weeks ago.
We left the restaruant and headed back to downtown St. Joe stopping at The South Bend Chocolate Company for a treat. Everyone got ice cream, but mom chose red raspberry cheesecake. She ate a little of it but not all and decided she needed a take home box. I joked that her refrigerator was full of take home boxes and she didn't take my comment well. She thought I was saying she was letting her refrigerator fill with old food and she always prided herself on a clean home and kitchen.
We made it back to the hotel and the night was filled again with getting up and down and helping her to the bathroom and changing clothes.
Her brothers wanted to go out for breakfast the next morning, but I knew there was no way mom could get ready in time for breakfast so again I declined. I perused the internet for places that served brunch as we did want breakfast food. We drove to Benton Harbor to a little restaurant that had received high ratings and we got out and walked to the door only to find out the wait was an hour long so we continued on.
We did not see any more breakfast places on our way back to South Bend so we drove through town to see what we could find. We were both getting really hungry. We stopped in at the Steak n Shake I had gone to a hundred times with my mom and grandma and sat down only to find out that they no longer served breakfast all day. I was willing to just stay and eat whatever, but she really wanted breakfast food. So we continued on and finally stopped at a diner called Angelo's. It didn't look like the greatest place on the outside but they served breakfast all day long. The tables were round and the chairs were cushioned and rotated on wheels which made things easier on her. The food was good and the coffee was excellent. Mom had stopped drinking coffee the same day she stopped smoking cigarettes three weeks before her cancer diagnosis. She had associated the two habits together so she decided she should quit them both at the same time. But that afternoon, she drank coffee with me.
We left and traveled on. We had not made it to cemetery yet to visit her parents' graves and it was on the opposite side of town in the opposite direction that we needed to go. I asked her if she wanted to turn around and go back and I'll never forget her response. She said quietly, "No, let's just go, they're not there anyway." It was true, what was left of their human bodies remained, but their souls were somewhere else. mom would see them soon, but not in that cemetery.
We traveled on and made it back to Muncie in a few hours. I carried her things in and she got some things organized in the kitchen. She was putting the leftover cheesecake into the fridge when she became upset again about my comment from last night about her refrigerator being filled with leftover food. I sighed and explained that that was not what I meant and told her it was time for me to go and that I could see she was getting irritated with me. She quickly apologized and urged me to stay a little longer. This was so different from the days where she would've been mad at me for a week for that comment about her leftover food.
She had an oncologist appointment the next day with Dr. Brown that her friend Andy was going to take her to. She wanted me to write down questions she should ask her. At the top of the list was getting checked for a urinary tract infection. When we were done writing down the questions, I put the pen down and sat and thought a moment about how to ask her what I needed to ask. Finally I said, "Mom I need you to think about coming to live with me and also about starting on hospice care." She looked at me for a moment thinking before saying, "Maybe later."
18 days left
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