Friday September 12, 2014

I awoke on Friday morning to a text from my Mom's friend Andy. She said she was worried about Mom and we needed to talk. I told her that I was worried about Mom too and I had come down the night before and was staying with her. She responded telling me how much relief that had brought her to know I was there. She said she was going to forward me some e-mails my Mom's friends who had been visiting her daily had exchanged.

The e-mails all said basically the same thing, that Mom was getting worse and she was at a crucial point. She had been more confused, not eating, not taking her medications all week. They thought she was in need of 24 hour care at this point, that while she thought she could take care of herself she could not. I responded that I was in agreement with everyone else, but I wasn't quite sure what to do at this point. Should I take her back to Noblesville with me or stay with her here? I did not think she had very long at this point and I preferred to stay in Muncie with her so she could be in a familiar setting and surrounded by her friends and church family. I told Andy I planned to contact hospice even though I had not yet been able to get her to fully agree to that. At the beginning of her cancer diagnosis she told me that yes she wanted hospice when the time came. The thing is my Mom never believed that time was coming. I don't believe she was ever going to let herself believe that she would succumb to this cancer.

Andy sent me a final e-mail response that I still appreciate and reflect on:

Dear Danielle,

When I was with your Mom, we spent a portion of the time in the restroom. She had become nauseous and I brought a chair in for her and rubbed her back. We talked about stuff. Life stuff. She mentioned you worry too much and I replied, yes, but that God had given you strength that can handle things. She agreed. 

Danielle, this has been an awful year for your mom. God chose this (illness) to wean her from this sad earth. You and your family and your brothers have been a constant source of JOY for her in this dark time. My tears are flowing. My prayers are continuing...

The email brought tears to my eyes too as I knew it was true. As I've described in previous blogs, for whatever reason my Mom had been deeply troubled in her life, despite her cheerful demeanor and positive attitude, her heart had always been sad. Our family spent our life trying to make her happy, but it was never enough. Her depression if that's what it was was beyond our reach. While I miss my Mom dearly, I ache for her every day, I believe God took her because he saw her anguish and knew she had had enough. It brings me great comfort believing she is with Him in Heaven, free from her sadness.

Many people came over that day, I cannot remember them all. I know Ryan, Carly, and Lucas came for a few hours. Carly was leaving on Saturday for a conference in San Francisco until Wednesday. I was scared to find out that news. I needed Carly. Shelli and Nancy came over too. Lucas was playing with toys. Mom bragged about how smart little Lucas was. He was not yet two but if he needed his diaper changed he would bring Ryan and Carly all the supplies. He was pushing around a toy stroller. Mom told her friends that the stroller had been mine when I was young, it had not, but I did not correct her.

Nancy pulled me to the side at one point in Mom's hallway and asked what the plan was. I told her I wasn't sure. I wanted to call hospice, but Mom had not agreed yet. I did not want her to get mad at me, but I needed their help if she wanted to stay at home.

The lady from the home life alert company came by. I didn't know she was coming that day. We apologized and told her we wouldn't be needing the service after all. She would no longer be left alone.

Eventually most everyone left. Ryan, Carly, and Lucas all said their goodbyes. That was the last time Ryan saw Mom.  I was worried about Spencer having to take care of both girls so I decided I would go get Lydia and bring her to Muncie. I foolishly thought I could take care of my Mom and Lydia at the same time. Before I left I called her oncologist's office about 10 minutes before they closed and asked for a referral for hospice. The woman said she would see what she could do. My stomach was in knots because I knew the weekend was upon us. Would anyone respond? Was it too late to get help? What if she passed away this weekend?

Andy stayed with Mom as I drove back to Noblesville and packed some things and brought Lydia back with me. When I got back Mom was asleep. Andy asked me how long I thought Mom would go on for. She had only eaten a cup of soup that day. She was still nauseated and vomiting. I thought about it and said, "I think she has one week."

7 days left