I had told my Mom's friends I would not be going back to work at this time. They didn't need to come, but they still came. They still followed the schedule they had created. Andy brought me a Panera souffle on Wednesday morning. I'd never had one before and it was very good. Then her friend Diane came, then Andy's husband Stu and Tim, the pastor of Mom's church came. We all sat around in the living room while Mom slept on the couch. It was so nice to have people around. We talked about how this was getting hard on her friends and they were unsure how to care for her at this point so they were glad I was there. I forgot not everyone is a nurse. Mom's care was fairly easy to me, it was second nature. As a nurse I had been trained for the daily care she needed and as a geriatric nurse practitioner I knew what to do medically and what to expect. As Stu remarked, "This is your bread and butter." And it was, this is what I do. How fortunate I was.
They all left after awhile and Sharon came. I texted people updates. I told them that at this point I thought Mom had 24-48 hours left. My Mom's brother Darrell called with some panic in his voice. He was at work in Indianapolis, but wanting to know if he should come. I reassured him it was ok, he had said his goodbyes and Mom was mostly just sleeping now. I would let him know about any updates. Sean seemed still very anxious about the situation and wanted to be in Indiana so badly. I tried to reassure him too, but it did not help. Looking at my phone bill from that day I can see I talked to Sean multiple times. Carly was flying back from San Francisco that day and she told me she would come be with me. My Mom's friend Cheryl came over and Sharon and I talked with her a while. I don't think Mom woke up at all during her visit. Sean called me again, he said they were coming. They were going to drive the five hours to San Francisco that evening and then would fly into Indiana the next day.
I called the hospice nurse because I had used the small amount of liquid morphine that was in the comfort kit hospice sent. She said she would call more into the pharmacy at the hospital. Sharon said she would go get it for me. I think it was around that time Carly texted me to tell me that she wouldn't be able to come that night. She had to do some things with her boys that night since she had been gone for 5 days. I said ok. I was going to be alone again that night. Spencer had the girls, he couldn't come and Kristina had to work. It was a week day, most everyone had to work or had families to be with. The pastor's wife offered to come spend the night, but I turned her down. She had four children and was pregnant, I didn't want to bother her. I crumpled to the floor in the hallway, feeling weak and alone from the enormity of it all. I sat there in the hallway and called my Dad. Tears streamed silently down my face as I talked to him. I'm not sure he knew I was crying. I updated him and told him I was stressed. He said he would fly in from Florida if I needed him. I know he desperately wanted to be there for me. I told him it was ok, everything would work out. He said, "That's what you always say." And I said, "It always does."
Sharon soon came back with Mom's medicine. It was about late afternoon/early evening and to our surprise Mom woke up and I mean woke up. What follows I described in my eulogy at Mom's memorial so I'll pull the details from there.
I rushed to Mom's side as she had woken up and first she told me to get out of her face. She sat up and oriented herself to her surroundings and apologized for snapping at me. She then had some requests to make. First she wanted a glass of water, a bottle of water, and her glass of tea. She wanted all of them on her bedside table and she told me not to move them until she said so. I knew my Mom was a particular person, but I did not realize how much until I had to do things for her. Then she wanted to be moved to the recliner. She absolutely insisted the legs be put back on her wheelchair. When I said this would make things more difficult she conceded but once she was in the recliner she insisted the legs be put on the wheelchair and the wheelchair be placed next to the recliner where she could reach it even though it would've been impossible for her to get in it herself at this point. She then requested the instructions to the wheelchair. There were no instructions. This greatly dissatisfied her and she would not accept that I said it was ok because I knew how to use the wheelchair. She asked what she was supposed to do if she was alone, she would need the instructions. I told her she would no longer be alone and she was not satisfied with that answer. Finally, I offered to write up instructions on how to use the wheelchair. She paused and thought about it a moment before finally saying, "Fine, but make it brief." It was impossible not to laugh and she sighed and said, "Well at least I'm still funny."
Sharon left to go eat some dinner and then head to Trinity for bible study. Her friend Barb from church stopped by for awhile. My Mom always loved hearing about her grandson Winston who had faced many medical adversities. She would always tell me stories of how impressive his skills were and what an amazing family they were.
Her friend left and I sat at the dining time. Mom kind of drifted off. I told her that Sean and his family were flying in. I had been nervous to tell her this. Would she know what this meant? Mom's death was a reality she never faced. She just looked at me like she didn't understand what I had said.
She fell asleep and when night fell I decided to get her up to try to use the bathroom and go to bed. I woke her up. She was terribly weak. I managed to get her into the wheelchair with a little help from her and onto the commode. She did not void. I tried to have her help me lift her to the couch, but she couldn't . She was so weak, and so I picked her up the best I could and carried her.
2 days left
"The son went to his mother.
He picked her up and rocked her
back and forth, back and forth,
back and forth.
And he sang this song:
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my Mommy you'll be"
I'll Love You Forever by Robert Munsch
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