Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Final Arrangements

On Monday August 25, 2014 I left work early and drove to Muncie to pick up my Mom. We were going to go to a funeral home to make her final arrangements or "pre-planning" I guess is the nicer term. I had made this appointment myself for her, this was also not at the top of her list of things to do.

When I was younger, probably 11 or 12 or so I distinctly remember going to a funeral home with my Mom and Grandma in South Bend to make her final arrangements. I remember sitting on a couch in an office while they talked over things and what things would happen at Grandma's funeral. My Grandma was healthy at the time, but this was something she wanted to get done. I don't have any recollection of what they discussed but I remember looking at caskets and dresses. The dresses part I am confused by, did they have dresses you could select to be buried in? Wouldn't she wear her own clothes? I can't remember. However, I do remember that even though this was such a solemn topic, none of us were sad talking about these things. She was healthy, her death was not impending. In fact, she did not die until I was 18. She was diagnosed with metastatic liver cancer in February 2001 and died that April. My family gets sick and dies quickly which I guess could be considered a blessing and curse. I remember when I was in 3rd grade and my Mom got the call while we were eating dinner from her father that he had esophageal cancer. I remember her sinking to the floor in tears, an image I will never forget. He died quickly as well.

My Mom was always proud of me for coming along on that trip and not being scared about being in a funeral home and the topic they were discussing. She thought it was very wise of her mother to make her arrangements so far ahead of time. However, when death is impending it can become very hard to make these decisions, decisions that are real, that will affect you almost certainly in the near future. She was not too keen on the appointment for final arrangements, but I used the experience we had with Grandma to convince her to do it. Wasn't it nice of Grandma to pre-plan things for you? Didn't it minimize stress for you and your brothers when she died? She agreed that yes it did.

I remember that when I went to pick her up her friend Diane was at her apartment. It was her designated day to check in on Mom. Mom told her what we were doing and that she was hesitant to go but she knew it was the right thing to do. I remember her friend said that that was something her and her husband needed to do themselves, but hadn't gotten around to it. Diane's husband died unexpectedly in November two months after Mom had passed. My mind wandered back to that conversation when I heard the news. Life is short, life is unexpected. People are here, they are well, and then they are gone.

I had made the appointment at the funeral home after Mom had been released from the hospital. The appointment had to be postponed a bit because the woman who did the arrangements was going to be on vacation for two weeks, so I booked the appointment the Monday she got back. She said she could do any time so I picked 6 PM which would give me time to get off work and drive to Muncie. As we pulled into the parking lot I noticed it was empty and I had a bad feeling. We pulled up to the door and I got out, the door was locked. I drove around to a door around back and it was locked too. I knocked, no one answered. I called the funeral home and got the after hours person who put me through to the woman I had booked the appointment with. She called me back and said she did not have any appointment on her calendar for the day. She had no appointments listed at all for a Patricia Sexton. I told her I definitely made an appointment and made sure to schedule it after her vacation. I'd hoped that that personal bit would make her realize she had made a mistake because how could I have known that information if I had not spoken with her? It did not phase her and she did not apologize. She was nice enough, she said we could schedule it again. So we decided for 10 AM on Wednesday. Mom said she would be okay by herself, the woman would come to her apartment. So we left but very unimpressed. This was not a meeting I wanted to miss. It was difficult enough to encourage Mom to go and now she would have to do it herself. It seemed kind of funny that our appointment for "pre-planning" had been erroneously not scheduled. This did not bode well for our confidence in them to take care of Mom's arrangements when she passed and to carry out her wishes.

On Wednesday morning I texted Mom that I hoped everything went ok and that I wish I could've been there with her. She responded that she called and canceled the appointment. A while later I received a call from the woman saying no one was answering at Mom's apartment. Mom wouldn't answer the door. I said she had called and canceled the appointment but the woman was unaware of this. I said we would reschedule for another time. One of the funeral home directors called later to talk to me and find out what happened.  He was very apologetic. I think there was confusion because there is a funeral home and then there is the building for the cemetery, both buildings have very similar names but are different businesses. He said maybe we had gone to the wrong building on Monday. Maybe...but the woman still wasn't at either building.

Mom had made a list of her wishes on a piece of notebook paper with the funeral home listed at the bottom that I found the week she was dying. She had crossed off the name of the funeral home and written in red ink "Find somewhere else!" And so we did.

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