I Don't Want Anymore Chemo

On Tuesday August 5, 2014, Lydia and I drove up to Muncie to take Mom to her last radiation treatment and to her oncologist appointments. Lydia had just turned 2 months old. Mom had completed 15 treatments of radiation to the bone metastasis in her spine and pelvis. Most of the treatments had been done while she was in the hospital which was actually quite convenient. Lydia and I waited in a little secondary waiting area while Mom completed her last treatment. It wasn't long at all and then we met with the radiation oncologist. It wasn't her usual one, in fact it was the fourth one she had seen, but they were all very nice, caring individuals. That appointment was rather uneventful and she received her certificate of completion. She would have another appointment in a month to discuss prophylactic brain irradiation as her type of lung cancer frequently travels to the brain.

Every time I see my Mom's name, I just stare at it for awhile. It seems like such a strong name, but of course because she was a strong person. It's hard to believe she's not here anymore. After she died, I received a letter from one of her accounts I'd closed and it read PATRICIA SEXTON--DECEASED. It seemed surreal. I also don't know how many times I've read and reread her death certificate. 

After that appointment she had another appointment with her medical oncologist, Dr. Brown. She had recently returned from vacation and had been gone much of Mom's hospitalization. She came in and we went through the usual pleasantries and we asked about her trip. She then brought up the topic of continuing chemotherapy. Mom had originally been slated to receive 4 rounds of chemo. She had received 2 1/2 before being hospitalized. The tumor had shrunk to the size of an ant, but it was still there. We didn't know all of the progress on the bone metastasis as she'd just finished the radiation. Dr. Brown told Mom that it was up to her if she wanted to continue with chemotherapy, if she wanted to finish the four courses. She said the cancer had shrunk tremendously, but that her body was very weak. I asked Dr. Brown if she continued chemo if there was a chance her chemo would go into remission as her pulmonologist had told me that while no cure was possible, there might be a chance of remission. Remission meaning that for the time, there was no trace of the cancer. Without hesitation Dr. Brown said, "This cancer will never go into remission." 

I didn't want her to do more chemo. It had eaten her up, it had changed her. Aunt Pat and I had talked about it and she'd hoped they wouldn't do anymore chemo either. I had not discussed it with my Mom up to this point as I wasn't sure what the oncologist would have to say. 

I told Dr. Brown that at the end of the month I wanted to take her to St. Joseph, Michigan for Labor Day weekend. My family loves Michigan and for Labor Day weekend we would always go to St. Joe. She loved it there. She had told me that when she died she wanted her ashes spread in Lake Michigan. I knew it would be her last chance to get up there and I really wanted to take her. However, I told Dr. Brown I didn't think it was a good idea for Mom to have any chemo before we went on this trip as I knew it would weaken her further. I wanted her to be able to enjoy herself, to be able to eat without sores in her mouth. 

Dr. Brown told us that if Mom wanted to continue with chemo it was really best that she not put it off 3 weeks, however, she said, "If you want to go to Michigan, you should absolutely go to Michigan. I want you to go to Michigan." She knew it was Mom's last chance.  

Mom was quiet for a few moments before saying, "I think...I think I don't want anymore chemo." She turned to me for affirmation and I nodded. 

On the way home we made one last stop at the bank where she turned her accounts over to me. 

I felt more doors quietly close behind us.