Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Dear Mom: On My Birthday Without You

Dear Mom,

Today was my birthday, but you know that. Can you believe that 33 years ago you were in the hospital holding me recovering from your csection? It surely doesn't seem that long ago.

It was my first birthday without you and it was much much harder than I expected. I could not be happy without you. You always made my birthday a big deal and without you it somehow seemed meaningless.

I remember last year you, me, Spencer and Spencer's family got together the day before and we went out to eat at Outback in Muncie. I was very anxious because I had to return to work on the 20th. My maternity leave was over, what a whirlwind it had been. Now I needed to go back to work and I had to rely on your friends to take care of you Monday through Friday. That made me feel sick Mom, I wanted to be there for you, but I knew you were in good hands.

I don't remember why we didn't get together on my actual birthday last year, all I remember is that I had to go to the doctor that morning and I was very very tired. Why didn't I spend the day with you? I knew it would be the last birthday of mine with you. I had a reason, but I just can't remember. I can't think of what reason could've justified not spending the day with you. You texted me at 8:43 AM that morning. That was really early for you in those days. I know you must've made a special effort to get that text out early.


Mom, I cannot thank you enough for always making our birthdays a big deal. I know a lot of kids don't get that. We would get to sleep with "birthday bear" the night before and would awake to banners and signs. We would get a special dinner, presents, and cake. I remember that you always took the day off for my birthday. I remember going to parks and miniature golf and manicures and parties. You truly made birthdays our day. I remember my first year at Purdue you guys moved me in the week before my birthday for Boiler Gold Rush, but then you made sure to come back the next weekend to celebrate on my birthday.

It seems selfish of me to say, but I know no one is going to make my birthday a big deal like you did. I know I was lucky to have 32 years where my birthday was a big deal. The only party I had today was a pity party, haha.

Today, it just wasn't the same Mom....what I would've given to receive a text from you. I got several texts and Facebook messages from family and friends, but Aunt Pat, she called me. She called me at the crack of dawn as usual to sing me happy birthday. I let it go to voicemail as I usually do and slept a little more. She called back in the evening. I answered and we talked awhile. I told her I was fine, but she knew I was not. She told me she knew today would be very hard for me. I couldn't get out the words that yes it was.

I wore the ring I bought you for your birthday in 2007. The ring with the butterflies I told you represented us. I'd hoped to have this ring one day when you passed away. I'm wearing this ring a lot sooner than I thought I would be.


Oh Mom, tomorrow is 11 months since you passed away. How is it even possible? 

You taught me a lot Mom. You taught me that birthdays are always to be celebrated. You taught me that 33 years is still young. You taught that even when it seems like it's not, life is still beautiful.

I miss you.

Love, Danielle



No comments:

Post a Comment