You Need To Go To The Hospital

On Thursday July 17, 2014 Mom went to chemo. She was getting sicker, she had a fever and chills so they wouldn't do chemo just as they had sent her home the day before. I believe the oncologist sent her over to see the surgeon who had put the port in to see if it was infected. She texted me that she was at the hospital for a "detour" and would call and tell me about it later. Aunt Pat tells me the oncologist wanted to admit her to the hospital but Mom said no. She was fine, she said, she wanted to go home. They drew blood cultures before she left or maybe they drew them the day before when they first noticed the fever, I can't remember. The doctor said she would call Mom with the results and she may need to go to the ER. Mom said, "We'll see."

I talked to Aunt Pat on the phone, she told me Mom was very sick and could barely walk. The oncologist told Aunt Pat that if her fever did not go down, she must bring Mom back to the hospital. Aunt Pat was worried she wouldn't be physically able to get Mom out of the apartment to go to the ER. It was obvious Mom needed to be hospitalized but she wasn't going to go on her own will and she wasn't going to listen to Aunt Pat or I. Aunt Pat told me Mom's phone had been ringing but she would not answer it. I did some quick thinking, I posted on Facebook asking if anyone had a wheelchair, a friend did and I sent Spencer to go pick it up. I decided we would all go to Muncie. I knew she would listen to Spencer if he told her to go the hospital and I needed his physical help. I tried to book a room at The Hampton in Muncie. I tried three times but the reservation would not go through. The phone rang and I answered. It was her oncologist's office. They said they had tried to call her but they couldn't get through. They said Mom had an infection in her blood, possibly MRSA, and that she needed to go to the hospital now, she needed IV antibiotics. 

I called Aunt Pat and told her what was going on. I told her to get Mom on the phone. I will never forget the sound through the phone as I listened to my mother walk to the phone....her walker creaking, her breath gasping and her moaning in pain. "Hello?" she answered clearly annoyed. I told her she had an infection in her blood, possibly MRSA and she had to go to he hospital. She responded, "I don't want to go to the hospital Danielle." Normally I would beat around the bush with her trying to be positive, trying to be optimistic, but I was very honest with her. I said, "I know you don't want to go to the hospital Mom and you don't have to go. But if you don't go, you're going to die. If you don't want to go, I will support you, but you are going to die and you need to be prepared for that." She sighed and paused, "Well what do I need to take to the hospital with me?" 

I left Noblesville by myself to drive to Muncie to meet them at the ER. I thought they would be okay without me for awhile so I actually stopped at McDonald's to get a sandwich and Target for a part I would need to pump. Aunt Pat texted me to please hurry Mom did not look well. She was still in the waiting room, but she was hunched over and shivering. They had taken her blood pressure and it was very low. Aunt Pat said another person waiting said Mom really looked like she needed to be seen as soon as possible. They went up to the desk and told them, "Don't you think you ought to bring that lady back?" 

When I got there, Mom had just been taken back to a room. I walked in the waiting room and looked around, they weren't there and no one was at the desk. Another person waiting said, "You must be looking for your mom, they just took her back, you should just go on back." So I did. 

Later Aunt Pat told me that when I came back to the room, Mom lit up, she instantly looked so much better. This was a surprise to me because she looked very bad when I saw her which means she looked worse before. She looked absolutely defeated. The cancer had gotten the best of her. She glanced up at me, she did not smile or speak, and she looked back down. 

I actually took this picture the next day, but it reminds me some of how she looked when I first saw her in the ER.

I mostly chatted with Aunt Pat in the room. Mom just continued to look down, looking up only if someone walked in the room. Mainly we just did a lot of waiting. People came in to draw blood, get a chest x-ray, take down her medications. She was going to be admitted, but we were waiting on a room. I grabbed a gown to cover so I could pump in the room. They said Mom could eat, but she said she didn't want anything. She said she was very hungry but it hurt too much to eat because of the sores in her mouth. 

I had arrived at the ER between 6 and 7 PM, we were still waiting on a room at midnight. I told Aunt Pat she needed to go back to the apartment. She needed to rest so she could come back in the morning. I would stay with Mom. 

They finally had a room for her about 2 AM. The ER doctor came back in saying he needed to clarify one more thing. He wanted to know what Mom's code status was. Without looking up, Mom just said, "Danielle..." directing me to answer. I said, "She a DNR." Do Not Resuscitate. If her heart were to stop or she were to stop breathing, no she did not want CPR. I will never forget the ER doctor's response. "Really?" he said. "Really." I replied. I didn't expect him to understand, he seemed young, new, unsure of himself. To him, she was someone with a blood infection. To us, she was a woman battling an aggressive terminal cancer. No, I would never want my mother to have CPR. To have her beaten, her ribs broken, a tube shoved down her throat? For what? For absolutely nothing. No thank you. She was in enough pain. 

I walked behind her as they took her up to her room on a stretcher. I glanced at piece of paper clipped to her chart. It said, "Sepsis, bilateral pneumonia." 

We got up to her room and they got her settled in. I answered the nurse's questions. I told my Mom I was going to run back to her apartment so I could pump again and refrigerate my milk. 

On the way back to the hospital I remember I heard Coldplay's Sky Full of Stars on the radio for the first time and it resonated with me.

Cause you're a sky, cause you're a sky full of stars

I'm gonna give you my heart

Cause you're a sky, cause you're a sky full of stars

Cause you light up the path

I don't care, go on and tear me apart

I don't care if you do

Cause in a sky, cause in a sky full of stars

I think I saw you

Cause you're a sky, cause you're a sky full of stars

I want to die in your arms

Cause you get lighter the more it gets dark

I'm going to give you my heart

And I don't care, go on and tear me apart

And I don't care if you do

Cause in a sky, cause in a sky full of stars

I think I see you

I think I see you

Because you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars

Such a heavenly view

You're such a heavenly view

Sky Full of Stars Video

I returned to her hospital room and she was awake. She already looked much better having had some fluids and antibiotics. She actually smiled. 

It was about 4 AM Friday July 18. I was exhausted. We were fortunate that her room was very large and very nice. It had a seating area that could be used as a bed. She told me to lie down and get some sleep and so I did.