We crossed another milestone, we celebrated your birthday without you.
We started off the weekend on Friday by going to Carmel Fest. Do you remember two years ago when you, Kristina, Millie and I went? I was excited for you to come over after work that night. Amelia had just started walking and I was excited to show you. I remember when you walked through the door and the surprise in your eyes when Amelia walked to greet you. Speaking of walking, Lydia is doing great in physical therapy, making progress by leaps and bounds. I had a gyro at the festival, just like you and I had last time. I bought a shirt from Little Gypsie and I remembered that pretty aqua chevron skirt you bought from her the last time. I wish I was small like you and I could've kept more of your clothes. I gave most of them to Teal though and that makes me happy.
The morning of your birthday Dad texted me first thing to let me know that he was thinking of me and hoping my day went well. Aunt Pat called while I was in the shower. I know usually she would've called you at the crack of dawn to sing you Happy Birthday.
Originally after your memorial we had planned to have the 4th birthday bash up on Lake Michigan so we could scatter your ashes there as you wished. But we couldn't do it yet, it felt too soon to let you go even though it's almost been 10 months. I know it's just ashes, you're not there, but I can't let you go yet. I tried to put your urn in the curio cabinet, but I remembered how claustrophobic you were and it worried me to just put you away in a cabinet. I know that's silly, you're not really there, but I came down in the middle of the night and moved you back to the mantle. I hope Spencer doesn't mind the small shrine I have to you on the mantle. I'll put it away eventually and we really do plan to spread your ashes next 4th...we just couldn't do it yet.
The party was at Uncle Darrell and Aunt Janet's new house. You would really like their new house. So much of our family has moved since you died. Uncle Darrell and Aunt Janet, Sean and Teal, Alyssa and Jason...they all moved. I just want to tell everyone to stop...stop changing. They're small, but they're places I had memories of you and now they're gone.
Ryan and his family didn't come to the birthday party. I knew they wouldn't. I knew it would be too hard on Ryan and I understood, but I missed them. I was the only Sexton there. It's so crazy it always used to be the five of us as a family together, and now it was just me. Of course I'm grateful I have my own family now. I also want to say I'm really grateful you were so close to your brothers and you guys always celebrated together. The day would've been terribly hard without them. I am so thankful to have them and that they shared your birthday so we can still continue on the celebration. I hope they are around many many more years.
I found those two frames in your apartment you obviously bought for Michael and Darrell. I wondered if you had bought them at Kohl's as I know it was one of your favorite places to look at Independence Day decorations. I stopped at one of their displays a month or so ago, saw some things you might like and it brought tears to my eyes. If I can ever get my life together I promise to decorate for the 4th like you did. Anyway, I found a picture on your camera of the three of you from the birthday last year and put it in the frames. I finished what you started. It was nice to give them a gift that was really from you. The frame was perfect.
It was a really good day Mom, we were happy, we were not sad because I know you wouldn't have wanted that.
Amelia tried on the hat you wore last year.
We put Kristina in charge of the kids' table....just kidding I sat there with her too.
Aiden wanted his photo taken.
Lydia is practicing her duck face in this photo...eek!
Uncle Darrell made sure to mention you in the prayer before we ate. He also wanted me to bring a photo of you so they could still have a picture with you by the cake. He said a few words about you before we sang Happy Birthday. We will never forget you Mom.
He put a pink candle on the cake to symbolize you.
Uncle Darrell was really great with the kids. He is such a good grandfather to Aiden. The kids were anxious to open presents so he patiently allowed them to open some of his gifts. That meant a lot to me.
Later on before fireworks I asked if he could move Lydia back onto a blanket and he decided to hold her for awhile instead.
After dinner some of us decided to take a walk. Grant decided to try out Aiden's bike. I knew this would've made you smile and I remember you telling me how he could always make Grandma Karsas laugh.
I was worried Amelia would be upset that Aiden had a bike and she didn't have her tricycle, but she didn't seem to mind. He rode his bike and she just ran alongside him. I don't know how she has so much energy. Uncle Michael remarked maybe she'll be a cross country runner. She sure likes to move, move, move! I was so grateful Aiden was there to keep her entertained. They had a really good time.
We finished the day by going to see some fireworks. I haven't been able to see fireworks in a long time because of work and little babies so it was nice to be able to go this year. We set some off in a parking lot (and no cops came this year!). Amelia was a little scared I think, but she tried to hide it. I had two tuckered out girls at the end of the day.
So that was the day Mom, we really missed you. It felt weird to sing Happy Birthday and not mention your name. But it was a really really good day. We were happy. I still miss you so much Momma, but that will never change. I promise we'll never forget you, especially not on your birthday. I hope your first birthday up in Heaven was amazing. I bet they really did set off fireworks for you.
I bet you were able to hold this little angel too. Give her a kiss and tell her we miss her.
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