Sean Leaves

My brother Sean and his family had come into town on Saturday June 28, 2014 and were set to fly back to California Friday July 11. They enjoyed a two week stay in Muncie spending time with our Mom and celebrating what we assumed would be her last birthday.

When Sean was originally thinking about coming into town he had trouble debating when he should come. Sean and his wife Teal and their two children Liam and Noey lived in northern California at the time. A plane trip to Indiana involved at least four airports, a full day of traveling, and approximately $3,000 for the four of them. On top of that my sweet 4 year old (at the time) nephew Liam has a diagnosis of severe autism. Traveling was far from easy for them. Sean had a choice between coming when my Mom was still alive or coming for her funeral. He chose to come while she was still alive.

They stayed in a hotel near her apartment and spent most of the time just being with her in addition to traveling to visit my other brother and myself. The two Sundays he was there he went to church with her.

On Wednesday July 9, I came with the girls to visit as well. I don't remember much of that day if I stayed for awhile or what we did, but I know I left earlier than I planned. My Mom was getting irritated with me for reasons I cannot exactly remember. She was also getting irritated with Amelia. Amelia was the poster child for terrible twos and her screaming was understandably hard on my Mom. I remember feeling that I just needed to leave and take Amelia home. Maybe that was why my Mom was upset with me, but I felt she would feel less anxious. That summer I distinctly remember feeling sad that I couldn't bring Amelia around as much as I wanted. This time we had with her was precious but the noise was too much for my Mom. I hesitate to write this for fear Amelia will read this blog someday and feel badly. Maybe I'll delete this paragraph someday. Simply, her toddler behaviors were too much for my Mom and too much for me to handle while caring for my Mom. Lydia spent a lot of time with me in Muncie that summer and Amelia spent a lot of time in Noblesville with Spencer or Kristina that summer. I suppose it is what it is, but I digress because I really didn't want this post to be about me.

After we left, Sean and Teal tell me that Mom came up with the idea to go to the reservoir. So of course, they went. I'm glad we left. I'm glad they had this special time together. They took a lot of really great pictures.

Mom's first accidental selfie

 

Family photo my Mom took

 

Baldies

And when they returned home...

 

It was hard for me to imagine how my brother must've been feeling. At the time, he thought this was the last time he would see Mom. He did end up flying back later in September the night before she died. How, I wondered, do you say goodbye to your Mom? A mom who is not yet dying or even very ill, but the future so grim. How? Try and think about that. How do you say goodbye to your mom, your dad, your spouse knowing that while here now they are going to die and you will never see them again? I've thought maybe this is how people feel when their loved ones go off to war. The future is uncertain, but I think it's not the same. At least in America that I know of we don't send people off on suicide missions. We know that while the possibilities include dying, the expectation is that they will return home. I concluded it wasn't the same. The expectation was that my Mom's cancer was advanced, it was terminal and she was going to die. The expectation was that he would never see her again. This was the final goodbye to the mother who had raised him, rocked him, sang to him, took him faithfully to his speech classes, attended all his ball games and wrestling meets, traveled to California for the birth of his children and on and on and on. At least to me, to think about it is unfathomable. I cried thinking about it then, I cry now. I cannot even for a second understand what it must've been like to be in my brother's shoes. 

On the other side, how does a mother say goodbye to her child and to her grandchildren? That thought even more unfathomable. I think as a protective mechanism my Mom didn't even consider it. While she didn't want futile care and understood the terminal nature of her cancer, my Mom rarely entertained the idea of dying. Somehow she was going to defeat death. 

I texted back and forth with my brother today as this experience was not mine and I was trying to gain an understanding to write this important post. He said she was never sad, she always stayed optimistic. She did not cry. Of the day he left Sean tells me, "She and I went to the podiatrist that morning. We saw a coworker of hers and she was very upbeat about everything. I saw the lady while waiting later and I talked about how strong Mom was but how serious her condition was since I felt she downplayed it to her earlier. I know Mom wouldn't want her coworkers worried or to think she would complain but I thought she should know things weren't great. When we got back to Mom's apartment there was only time for goodbyes. She walked out in her pink SMA shirt, Adidas pants and was smiling and waving as we drove away. Never a tear or sorrowful word spoken that afternoon. I told Mom that I promised to live a life that would her make her proud and she replied, 'You always have.' That was our last exchange." 

Sean told me he made sure to burn the image of Mom smiling and waving goodbye into his memory. I remember Teal telling me that Mom said she would try to get out to California soon to see them. 

They left for California, for their home, Friday July 11, 2014 very early in the morning and with them I felt another door close.