As much as this blog is helping me to work through my grief, to make sense of each day as it happened, it is becoming increasingly difficult to write. Not just in so much as the entries are emotion filled, but the time I need to dedicate to write them is hard to come by. Amelia goes to bed at 9 which leaves me a couple hours to do everything I need to do, notably to finish my charts from the work day. I run days behind. The days I want to remember and record are also becoming more frequent as my Mom's condition declined which means I need to write more blog entries. I put this blog first though, it is important to me.
On New Year's Eve last year I thought, finally this year is over. I can put 2014 behind me. Better yet, maybe I can put 2010-2014 behind me. Christmas had been difficult, I did not decorate at all. I did not listen to any Christmas music, my Mom had loved Christmas music and we listened to it on records, tapes, and cds. I tried to put Anne Murray on, one of mine and Mom's favorites, but it was too hard, I turned it off.
I then realized that although the year was ending, my journey through this grief was just beginning. I had been numb through the final months of 2014 empowering me with what I needed to do to finalize Mom's affairs. I felt a heaviness in my heart of all I would still need to go through. I knew I would need to get through 2015 as well, notably the months April through September. I would need to get through each day as I remembered what was happening exactly one year ago. A trait I inherited from my mother is that dates are very important to me. I live a happy life, but I can tell you I am sad right now. I fight to get through each day, my motivation is low. I go to work where my productivity is lacking, I take care of my girls, I make sure the bills are paid, and I write this blog. That's about all I have the strength for.
I hope 2016 is better, I've heard "You don't get over grief, you get through it," and I find that much more relatable than, "Things will get better in time." No, no they won't, my Mom, my best friend, is gone, taken far too soon and far too quickly.
In the meantime, I find Robert Frost's poem "Stopping By Woods On a Snowy Evening" relatable to this year.
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ReplyDeleteAnother quote that you might appreciate is from Winston Churchill:
ReplyDelete"If you're going through hell, keep going."
Remember: God never promises to take away all our problems, but He does promise to be with us through them all. He will never leave you or abandon you.