Saturday May 3, 2014

The chest x-ray was on Wednesday.  I called her Thursday evening after work to see how she was doing. Her friend Andy picked up her phone.  She told me Mom as getting sick in the bathroom.  I'm not sure if Andy came because Mom was getting sick or if she was already just there, but I'm so glad she was.  She told me my Mom would call me back once she felt a little better.  Why was she getting sick?  From pneumonia? That's odd.  I waited and waited for what seemed like forever.  I finally decided I couldn't just stay there.  I knew Andy was going to have to go home and I didn't want my Mom to be by herself.  I decided I would call in to work on Friday and go take care of my Mom.  As I was getting a bag out to pack, she called me.  She told me she was feeling much better.  She didn't know why she got sick, but she said she was okay.  She assured me I didn't need to come.

The next morning I texted her to see if she stayed home from work. I received this text in response:

I went to Muncie to see her on Saturday.  We had originally had plans to go to the SMA walk in Ohio that weekend, but I'd canceled when Mom was diagnosed with pneumonia.  It was one event in a series of events I had scheduled for us that spring/summer.  What I now know were symptoms of her cancer, I thought were symptoms of depression.  I thought by spending more time with her, I could get her in a better mood.  She needed to be busy, so I had it all planned out. We would start the spring with the Purdue 50th Nursing Celebration, the first weekend of May we would go to the Ohio SMA walk, the next weekend was the Touchpoint Mother's Day Tea, Memorial Day weekend we would go to see Aunt Pat in Ohio.  The first weekend of June there was an SMA event at the zoo, the following weekend was the Muncie Symphony on the Green, then my c-section with Lydia was scheduled for June 24.  After that I would be on maternity leave and I would have the whole summer to come and visit with Mom.  We would finish the summer with our annual trip to St. Joe, Michigan over Labor Day.  I would surely be able to improve her mood.  I spent a lot of time with my Mom that summer, but very few of those activities got accomplished.  

This weekend was especially important that I spend with her because May 3rd would've been my parents' 45th wedding anniversary.  My Mom did not forget dates.  In fact my brothers and I would joke about a saying she had when we were in trouble.  She would say, "I'll remember this."  It would send chills down our spines.  I knew this day would be difficult for her.  I would distract her. 

I don't know what all the doctor told her about her CT scan results on Friday, but if he told her there was a possibility of cancer she did not act like it.  They had scheduled an appointment with her to come in at 7:50 AM on Monday to discuss the CT results.  I went over the medications she had been prescribed for the pneumonia and was confused about a couple things.  She was very wheezy. I brought my stethoscope and listened to her lungs.  I couldn't hear anything on the left side.  I didn't want to be THAT daughter, but I had some questions and concerns for the doctor so I wrote them down for her to bring to the appointment.  I didn't think I was being unreasonable with my concerns. 

There are two things from that weekend that really stick with me.  The first is that she just did not feel well and she asked me, "When will I feel better Danielle?"  I told her, "In about 10 days Mom." Ten days.  I told her she would feel better in ten days.  I shake my head at this.  I had no idea she would never get better.

The second thing that sticks with me is that not once that day did she mention it would've been her and Dad's 45th anniversary.