Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
Today I really missed you. Today was really hard. Not because of anything related to your cancer a year ago, but just because...life is hard. Everything just seems so...loud. Do you know what I mean? Did you ever feel that way?

I have a million things I need to get done, but there's just no time. I'm falling behind at work, in my personal life, just everywhere.  There's so many balls I need to keep in the air but I'm a terrible juggler. People tell me...you always told me...just do the best you can Danielle, but I can tell you it's not good enough anymore. I'm always letting someone down. If I make someone happy, someone somewhere else gets let down...because I just can't do it all. I wish you were here to help me. Maybe you could've addressed the invites to Lydia's birthday party or helped me clean up the house. The house is a mess. You always picked up things when you were here. Somehow you knew where they went. Kristina took the girls for a day, thanks goodness for her. You always said I was lucky to have her for a friend. She is like what Aunt Pat was for you. I have good friends, I'm so thankful for that. I wish I could spend more time with them all.

Amelia was diagnosed with a mild language delay last week. Lydia we think has a developmental delay. She'll be one soon (isn't that crazy?) and still won't bear weight, pull up, stand or crawl.  She did start to scoot a little this week though so that's promising! First Steps is coming out on the 28th to evaluate her. It's hard not to wonder, are their problems my fault? I know I need to spend more time with them. I know if you were here you would help me.  You could play these sequencing games the speech pathologist suggested with Amelia or maybe entice Lydia to move with some toys. Amelia used to love playing with you. You were a great grandma. Parenting is really hard Mom, really, really hard. I always feel like I'm failing. Did you feel that way too? Did you ever feel judged by other parents? Was that a thing when you were raising us? It's a thing now. I know you would say that's silly.

I just wish I could hit pause for awhile...just stop a few moments and relax. I can't though, everything just keeps moving and everything is so, so loud. I know I said that before.

I wish you were here to tell me everything's ok. I know it will be, but I just wish I could hear it from you.

I miss you.

Love,
Danielle