Mom Starts Chemo & Lydia Is Born

Mom was set to start chemo Tuesday June 3, 2014. She was to be there at 10 AM and was told to expect to be there 4 or 5 hours. I woke up that morning just having turned 36 weeks pregnant. Although I've never posted them because things were so hectic around Lydia's birth, I had taken weekly pictures of my pregnancy. It was something I thought was trivial when I was pregnant with Amelia so I didn't do them. I regret that, if for nothing else, you can't get back pictures that were never taken. So it was something I decided to do with Lydia. I snapped this picture that morning.

I went to work and just felt exhausted. This pregnancy was so much harder than with Amelia most likely because of Amelia. It was hard to keep up with her. I felt short of breath so easily. I had this same symptom with Amelia but at least then I could rest whenever I wanted. Physically though, I really was fine. The pregnancy had been perfect, not one single problem. But that morning I was so tired. I had a c-section scheduled for June 23...3 weeks away. I wondered how I'd make it. With Amelia, I had went to 41 weeks and had to be induced ultimately ending in an emergency c-section. That girl did not want to come out. Even at 41 weeks, I didn't want to be induced, I cried on the way to the hospital.  It was not because I feared induction, but Amelia and I were doing just fine. I felt unprepared for the uncertainty of having a newborn and I just enjoyed being pregnant. However, with Lydia, I was done. I was tired of being pregnant. How in the world did I last 41 weeks with Amelia? That said, it never once crossed my mind Lydia would come early. She was due July 1, c-section was June 23, that's when she would be born, the end. 

At work that morning, I actually asked the nurse to bring a couple of the patients to me instead of me walking to see them. I told another nurse I was absolutely not having any more children.  I was DONE. I wanted to be on maternity leave. I had planned this pregnancy hoping I would be on maternity leave during the summer.  I had jokingly made a pregnancy pact with one of my good Marchie Mom friends and it had actually worked out! We both had March 2012 babies and now we were both going to have July(ish) babies!

Jennifer lives in Georgia and we met on the internet in a March 2012 Moms' group. She lost her mom when she was 18 to pancreatic cancer. She has been one of my biggest supporters and confidants through the loss of my Mom.

I had texted my Mom that morning and then she texted an update about 11:30 AM.

Ugh, come on, why hadn't it started yet? It was supposed to start at 10 and was almost running two hours behind. I really wanted to be there with her but I felt secure in knowing that Aunt Pat was with her. 

At lunch, I went to Jason's Deli and then stopped at Buy Buy Baby to buy an extra car seat base that we needed and one of my beloved Halo fleece swaddle sleepsacks that makes Davis newborn babies sleep so well. 

I went to Westminster for the second part of my work day. I went to go see a patient and then went to the bathroom. I'll spare the details but essentially my water broke while I was using the bathroom. Let me tell you, that is really confusing. I actually assumed I'd just reached that point in pregnancy where I'd officially become incontinent. I was short of breath, exhausted, and now peeing on myself...splendid. I went to go see another patient before deciding maybe I should have this checked out. I felt embarrassed I was now that girl who couldn't tell if her water had broken or if she was just peeing on herself. It was about 3 PM and my logical mind told to get in to see my doctor before they closed. I didn't want to end up at the ER waiting if this was the real deal. 

I stopped one of my favorite nurses and told her what was going on.  I said, "But I'm sure I'll be back Bella, I'll finish my work." She told me, "No honey, if it's not, just go on home and rest." I tried to call Spencer but he didn't answer. The person I really wanted to call was my Mom, but I couldn't, she was at chemo. I remember thinking that I had no one to call and tell them about this silly predicament I was in. So I told my online friends.  One said, "You're 36 weeks, it'll be ok right?" Whoa...it hadn't even crossed my mind this was early, Lydia was not full term yet. Honestly the only thing I had thought of was that maybe I was done with work for 12 weeks! 

I went to my OB's office embarrassingly telling them the story. Lo and behold, it turns out it was my water that had broken. I was still unable to get ahold of Spencer. They walked me over to the labor and delivery unit and put me in a room. I thought hmm what do I do now? How was this going to work out? How was Spencer going to get here should I be able to get ahold of him? He had Amelia and Kristina was at work. I decided to call my friend Asheley and had her go to the house so she would be able to relieve Spencer until Kristina got off work. I was finally able to get ahold of Spencer to tell him the plan. I remember I had to take a couple work calls while the nurse was hooking me up to equipment. It was a busy afternoon. I finally texted my Mom.

I was worried she'd insist on coming to Indianapolis to see me and I didn't want that. She needed to rest from chemo. She had been there for Amelia's birth through the whole grueling ordeal it was from 8 AM March 29, 2012 until 4 AM on March 30. I had intended it to just be Spencer and I during the delivery but I screamed for my Mom when the pain became unbearable. I needed my Mom. She had intended to be there for Lydia's c-section as well. 

She didn't respond to my text so I called her and let her know what was going on and that I was okay. Even though I was the one having surgery, I felt like I needed to make sure everyone else was okay, that everything was in place and everyone was taken care of. 

The c-section was scheduled for 8 PM since I had eaten at noon. They told me it was likely Lydia would need to go to the NICU. They wheeled me back to the surgical suite and began the process. Although I had been through this with Amelia, I was not cognizant of the process. With Amelia I was wheeled into the OR screaming, hoping and praying someone would put me out of the misery trying to have a vaginal delivery had been. I think I was delirious and have little recollection of the experience. But with Lydia it was different. Even though it was still an "emergency" everything was much calmer. I laid on the table and they got started. I did feel scared, it's unnerving to be awake during surgery. I wished my Mom was there, oh how I wished she was there. I got sick, but the anesthesiologist gave me medication and the feeling disappeared. They continued with the procedure and I listened to the radio. It was taking longer than I had anticipated. Finally they told me they were almost ready. Lydia was about to be born. We were about to meet her. And at that moment Tim McGraw's Live Like You Were Dying came on the radio. As cheesy as it probably is, that song had resonated with me this past month as my Mom's cancer story unfolded. 

He said I was in my early 40s,

With a lot of life before me,

When a moment came and stopped me on a dime.

I spent most of the next days, looking at the x-rays,

Talking about the options and talking about sweet time.

I asked him when it sank in, 

That this might really be the real end,

How's it hit you when you get that kind of news?

Man, what'd you do?

And he said,

I went skydiving,

I went Rocky Mountain climbing,

I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.

And I loved deeper

And I spoke sweeter

And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying

And he said, Someday I hope you get the chance

To live like you were dying

I started crying, the moment was perfect, absolutely perfect. My Mom had started chemo and Lydia was born. It felt like an exchange, a bad for a good. A trade. It was going to be okay. No matter what, everything was going to be okay. 

They brought me my beautiful little Lydia for a brief moment before whisking her away to the NICU. I was okay with that. She was 5 lbs 8 oz 18.9 inches long, good for a preemie. She looked good they told me, they just wanted to monitor her. Spencer had gotten a better look at her than I had. I said, "Does she look like Amelia?" He said, "Yes, yes she does." 

I don't know why Lydia came a month early...maybe I was stressed, maybe I was finally not stressed with Aunt Pat there. I like to think though that she came early to spend more time with her Mams though. Today was Game Day for Mom and Lydia knew we needed to hit the ground running. "Let's get this show on the road," she said. Everything had turned out perfectly, I felt euphoric that night. My Mom posted this on Facebook: