Wow, it's been 3 years you've been gone. It doesn't seem that much time has passed. The end of 2014 and 2015 weren't really all that bad. I think I was still on autopilot and there was still so much to do. Memories of you were still fresh, our time together recent, I had not truly experienced the loss of you I don't think. People understood my grief, they mourned with me as we passed through milestones...Thanksgiving, Christmas, your birthday, my birthday, the first anniversary of your death. But 2016 was hard Mom, really really hard. I felt that people thought that I should be over you, but I felt like I was really just beginning to feel the loss of you in my life and the permanent void you left. I lived through times where you should've been there with me. But I got through it and 2017 has been better. I'm doing better. If people don't understand my grief, that's ok, because really it's just between you and I. And I'm making it through this endless journey of life without you.
I was looking for a picture of us to post today, something new, something I hadn't already posted over and over and over. I came across my memory book that we were were assigned to make my senior year of high school. While I didn't use a picture from there I read through the page I'd made about you. I didn't really write "about" us or you but I wrote down memories, things I'd never forget in the 18 years I'd spent with you so far. For as long as I can remember I've felt like I knew I was going to lose you when I was still young, before it was common to lose your mother. It's not right to lose a mother at 32, when you were only 68, when the girls were 2 and 3 months old. I know I'm lucky I had you for 32 years but it wasn't enough. This part of my life, being a mother, was just beginning, and oh how I've needed you. But I have our memories, each one I savored. So I'm going to rewrite to you what I wrote in May 2001.
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May 2001
Several times I've tried to come up with words describing my Mom and I's relationship but the adjectives to describe her are just not enough. So, I've decided to write a poem (sort of).
I'll always remember you singing to me "You're Something Special."
I'll always remember our Friday night meals.
I'll always remember you waking me up in the morning with, "Good Morning Sunshine!"
I'll always remember our lunches on the picnic table in the summer.
I'll always remember February 29th.
I'll always remember our trips to the grocery store.
I'll always remember how you would get off work just to take us to the pool.
I'll always remember how you decided I was old enough to pack my lunch in 2nd grade.
I'll always remember how you started packing my lunch again senior year.
I'll always remember our cappuccinos.
I'll always remember the way you posed us for impromptu pictures.
I'll always remember helping you water the flowers.
I'll always remember how excited I was when you could pick me up from work.
I'll always remember you telling me at least three times that you loved me before I left for school in the morning.
I'll always remember how you let me play the Super 60s tape over and over and over.
I'll always remember the day you accidentally told me I was your favorite child (you know it wasn't a mistake!).
I'll always remember how you offered to help me with my homework.
I'll always remember our Skip-Bo games.
I'll always remember us skipping to the car.
I'll always remember when I was five years old and you told me you were taking a nap at 2 and to wake you up when the little hand was on the 4, and I sat there and watched the clock for two hours until the little hand was on the 4.
I'll always remember how excited I was to see you when I came back from California.
I'll always remember how you would take me to swing at Westside Park.
I'll always remember how worried you were when I was unhappy or stressed. Some people say that they understand, but you really did understand and felt my pain.
I'll always remember how happy you became when I was happy.
I'll always remember that you told me to do my best, that's all you asked for.
I'll always remember you never pressured me about school.
I'll always remember how proud you are of me.
I'll always remember that you always found a way, nothing was impossible.
I'll always remember the little notes you left me everywhere.
I'll always remember all the bazaars we went to on Saturday mornings.
I'll always remember our trips to South Bend.
I'll always remember two weeks ago when I was in the car with you and Daddy and all I was thinking was how incredibly much I loved you two.
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So there it is again Momma, I hope you liked reading it again. Maybe I'll take some time to write about the memories I have of the 14 years I still had with you after this. I still think about you all the time Mom, sometimes I envision your smiling face walking towards me and it brings me comfort.
I miss you Momma.
Love, Danielle
